On Friendship

AND a youth said, Speak to us of Friendship.
And he answered, saying:
Your friend is your needs answered.
He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving.
And he is your board and your fireside.
For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace.

When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the “nay” in your own mind, nor do you withhold the “aye.”
And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart;
For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unclaimed.
when you part from your friend, you grieve not;
For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.
And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.
For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.

And let your best be for your friend.
If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also.
For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?
Seek him always with hours to live.
For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness.
And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.
For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.

.

Anam Cara-Soul Friend

In the Celtic tradition, there is a beautiful understanding of love and friendship. One of the fascinating ideas here is the idea of soul-love; the old Gaelic term for this is anam cara. Anam is the Gaelic word for soul and cara is the word for friend. So anam cara in the Celtic world was the "soul friend."

In the early Celtic church, a person who acted as a teacher, companion, or spiritual guide was called an anam cara. It originally referred to someone to whom you confessed, revealing the hidden intimacies of your life. With the anam cara you could share your innermost self, your mind and your heart. This friendship was an act of recognition and belonging. When you had an anam cara, your friendship cut across all convention, morality, and category. You were joined in an ancient and eternal way with the "friend of your soul."

The Celtic understanding did not set limitations of space or time on the soul. There is no cage for the soul. The soul is a divine light that flows into you and into your Other. This art of belonging awakened and fostered a deep and special companionship. In his Conferences, John Cassian says this bond between friends is indissoluble: "This, I say, is what is broken down by no chances, what no interval of time or space can sever or destroy, and what even death itself cannot part."

— John O'Donohue in Anam Cara

more about this in my musings The blessings of spiritual friends

The Blessings of Spiritual Friends

Spiritual friendship, according to the great twelfth century English Cistercian Abbot, Aelred of Rievaulx is “mutual harmony in affairs human and divine coupled with benevolence and charity” (Aelred, Spiritual Friendship, Kalamazoo, MI: Cistercian Publications). What he meant is that spiritual friendship is the love of the Christians given by God that combines goodwill and charity and is only possible between those who resist sin and seek to follow Jesus. There are certain characteristics that make up spiritual friendship.

Firstly spiritual friendship has ‘sacred space’ that allows each of us to grow in our relationship with the Lord, with other people and with ourselves. The ‘sacred space’ is a safe space where we are free to make mistakes. It is also a space where we are to be non judgmental about each other. Therefore this ‘sacred space’ allows us to be ourselves, without the burden of putting on our false selves and trying to be someone else. In spiritual friendship there is an understanding of ‘agreeing to disagree.’ This meant that it is possible to hold differing opinions about politics, theology, lifestyle preferences, and cultural heritage without the need to prove ourselves right or to tear down the other person’s opinion. In many subtle ways, this will enrich our lives.

Secondly, spiritual friendship is a relationship with trust. This trust is about spiritual friends respecting each other’s confidentiality and privacy. It is in our psychological makeup that we need people we can trust so that we can open ourselves. This opening of ourselves is cathartic and results in our emotional well being. We need to be able to be free to verbalise our fears and desires. Confession is an important part of the process of repentance. Confession helps us to avoid the temptation of sidestepping our moral responsibilities. We cannot do all this if we do not trust our spiritual friends with our confidentiality.

Thirdly, spiritual friendship involves accountability. Spiritual friends are accountable to each other because they are brothers in Christ. Much of the problems of the world are the results of lack of accountability. Many Christian leaders fail because they do not allow themselves to be accountable to other Christians. Christian spiritual friends hold each other accountable in their spiritual life, thought fantasies, marital fidelity, fulfilling of promises, and management of finances. We need these check and balances because we are prone to self deception. The bible teaches that our hearts are very deceitful (Jeremiah 17:9).

Finally, spiritual friends make very good prayer partners. There is a certain joy in praying together with someone we know and loves. Praying together reminds us of our dependence on the Lord. One of the highlight of my working week is the weekly lunch-time prayer with a spiritual friend. Spiritual friends are able to discern the working of the Holy Spirit in the life of one another other and to offer spiritual direction. This is especially useful when major decisions need to be made.

How do we seek spiritual friends? We start by becoming friends with others. Gradually we will come to be aware that certain people may become our good spiritual friends. We are comfortable with these people because they offer us ‘sacred spaces.’ We know that we can trust them to keep our confidence (not a gossip), are willing to be accountable to each other, and willing to pray together with us. The friendship of David and Jonathan is one such example (Isaiah 18:1-4). In my spiritual journey I am grateful for the friendships of many spiritual friends who live in many countries all over the world. I thank God for all of them. When you have a spiritual friend, hang on to them because they are very precious and very rare. You may even have to travel thousands of miles for them.

Soli Deo Gloria

Fifty Eight Years of a Religious Vow

Tuesday, December 15, 2009 is the day 58 years ago my dear spiritual friend and mentor, Dr Helen Rosenthal, RSJC said her first vows to enter the life of a religious. RSCJ stands for Religious of the Sacred Heart in Latin, French, Italian, and Spanish. Sister Helen, as she likes to be called, still teaches Christian Spirituality at St. Thomas University in Miami, Florida in the United States. She is 80 years old but look not a day older than 60 years. Her favourite book remains The Cloud of Unknowing.

She writes a regular blog making her one of the oldest blogger I know.

58th Anniversary of My First Vows

I remember this day so well. I had a marvelous private retreat before it and Jesus was so present to me and I kept asking Him to let me realize what I was really doing when I took my vows and consecrated my whole life to Him. As I had had all the sports for the high school and seventh and eighth grade for the whole of my second year as a novice, I was allowed to go talk to the children that afternoon. I still remember standing on a bench so they could all see me as they crowded into the locker room; they wanted to see my vow crucifix and. of course, they had been present that morning when we were given our black veils. It was the octave of the Feast of the Immaculate Conception and I had several days before going back to St. Louis to begin my active life as a religious.

I am privileged to have her for my spiritual friend, mentor and prayer partner. She is always an inspiration for me in her devotion to Jesus and her love for her fellow man and woman. Helen, you are truely the salt and light.

.

A Good Day for Books

Recently I was feeling a bit weary and indulging in a bit of self-pity about not being appreciated. Suddenly, all on the same day and out of the blue, I receive...

these two books from a dear fellow spiritual pilgrim who is journeying with me




and from the mail, arrived a book from someone whom I do not know but who is interested in spiritual formation. She came to know me from my blog and website. I think we are going to be good friends.



and this is also from another friend who came to know me from my blog and website. We have corresponded and, gracious me, she sent me a gift card which arrived today.



and the final surprise, MPH Bookstores sent me a voucher for a certain sum based on what I have spent at their stores from Jan-July 2009 and the amount is enough to pay for these two books!




What a good day for books.

Following St.Paul's Footsteps (8)

One of the joys of traveling with like-minded Christians is the times of talking, sharing and fellowship. Sharing a Christian worldview makes sharing easy and comfortable.

My wife and I consider it a privilege to meet up with Lee Chin How and his wife, Pauline. Chin How was until recently with the Haggai Institute while Pauline runs CROSSOVER Management training. Chin How is also an author and sent me copies of his two books. He also personally autograph them to me. What can I say? I love to receive books especially autographed books from authors. *hint* *hint*

Following St.Paul's Footsteps (8)

One of the joys of traveling with like-minded Christians is the times of talking, sharing and fellowship. Sharing a Christian worldview makes sharing easy and comfortable.

My wife and I consider it a privilege to meet up with Lee Chin How and his wife, Pauline. Chin How was until recently with the Haggai Institute while Pauline runs CROSSOVER Management training. Chin How is also an author and sent me copies of his two books. He also personally autograph them to me. What can I say? I love to receive books especially autographed books from authors. *hint* *hint*

Old Friends

A Commentary from my old friend, Dr Tan Soo Inn


[February 23, 2007 Edition]

"A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity." (Proverbs 17:17)


Commentary: Old Friends

We met for tea on the second day of the Lunar New Year. I had known both of them for more than forty years.
Faces more lined, hair more gray, but in so many ways we were the same boys who knew each other in primary (elementary) school.

But here we were in our 50s' excitedly sharing the most recent life lessons learnt, testing plans and perceptions, laughing at jokes old and new, drawing life and strength from each other. Old friends. As we parted we silently articulated hopes that we would do this again next year and quietly hoped that we would meet up more often than that.

Forty years and more meant that our lives were inextricably bound together in so many ways. They were there through the seasons of life --- single, married, children, career, midlife decisions and the unexpected twists in our journies that no one could have foreseen. In the darkest moments of our lives we turned to each other. We turned to our friends.

Along the way each of us had made the friendship of Christ and so not only were we friends, we were friends in Christ. Therefore this was a friendship that would continue beyond this life. Here was comfort indeed as we began to come to terms with our mortality.

We had seen each other at our best and at our worst. True friends accept one another and create safe spaces for each other to work through the struggles of life. Where needed we spoke what we believed to be true and right but always couched in language that said "I am here for you."

As I look at my own evolution as a friend I see that it is also an indicator of my growth as a human being. When I began my friendship with these and other friends, I was selfish, consumed with my own agendas, poor in my ability to emphatise with others.
Growing older is to grow in the realisation that one has so far yet to go. But if I am a better friend today than forty years ago it is evidence of God's grace at work in my life.

Too much literature on human development focuses on the growth of individuals in isolation. More and more I realise that who we really are and how far we have really grown can only be seen in how we relate to others.

Tom Rath points out in his book Vital Friends (New York: Gallup Press, 2006):

"The majority of courses, professional development programs, and books highlight how to improve yourself. You take courses in grade school to improve your own ability to read, write, add, and subtract. Then as you progress through the educational system you have the opportunity to spend more time educating yourself in areas you choose. When you enter the workforce, you might get the chance to add to your base of knowledge by participating in training and development programs designed to make you a better individual employee."(p. 17)

In contrast to this highly individualistic approach to life, Rath points out that:

"Friendships add significant value to our marriages, families, work, and lives. At some level, everything we see and feel is the product of a personal relationship. Look around you and see if you can identify anything created in true isolation. After pondering this for a few moments, you might notice how dependent we are on connections with other people. Remove relationships from the equation, and everything disappears." (p.16)

If friendships are so important to life it is ironic that: "During our teenage years, we spend nearly one-third of our time with friends. For the rest of our lives, the average time we spend with friends is less than 10%." (Rath, p.22)

The duties of adulthood mean we no longer have the same discretionary time that we enjoyed in our adolescence. Nevertheless if friendship and personal relationships are so vital to our well being and our humanity, we would be wise to invest time to intentionally cultivate and nurture friendship in our families, churches and offices and in our other social networks. Truly it is not good for human-kind to be alone (Genesis 2:18).

In a world that is changing rapidly, consumed by a Darwinian globalisation that makes us competitors, a world increasingly defined by technologies that isolate us more and more, perhaps the most counter-cultural decision we can make is to put a high premium on friendship.
It might just save our lives.


Your brother,
Soo-Inn Tan
Email: sooinn@graceatwork.org

Old Friends

A Commentary from my old friend, Dr Tan Soo Inn


[February 23, 2007 Edition]

"A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity." (Proverbs 17:17)


Commentary: Old Friends

We met for tea on the second day of the Lunar New Year. I had known both of them for more than forty years.
Faces more lined, hair more gray, but in so many ways we were the same boys who knew each other in primary (elementary) school.

But here we were in our 50s' excitedly sharing the most recent life lessons learnt, testing plans and perceptions, laughing at jokes old and new, drawing life and strength from each other. Old friends. As we parted we silently articulated hopes that we would do this again next year and quietly hoped that we would meet up more often than that.

Forty years and more meant that our lives were inextricably bound together in so many ways. They were there through the seasons of life --- single, married, children, career, midlife decisions and the unexpected twists in our journies that no one could have foreseen. In the darkest moments of our lives we turned to each other. We turned to our friends.

Along the way each of us had made the friendship of Christ and so not only were we friends, we were friends in Christ. Therefore this was a friendship that would continue beyond this life. Here was comfort indeed as we began to come to terms with our mortality.

We had seen each other at our best and at our worst. True friends accept one another and create safe spaces for each other to work through the struggles of life. Where needed we spoke what we believed to be true and right but always couched in language that said "I am here for you."

As I look at my own evolution as a friend I see that it is also an indicator of my growth as a human being. When I began my friendship with these and other friends, I was selfish, consumed with my own agendas, poor in my ability to emphatise with others.
Growing older is to grow in the realisation that one has so far yet to go. But if I am a better friend today than forty years ago it is evidence of God's grace at work in my life.

Too much literature on human development focuses on the growth of individuals in isolation. More and more I realise that who we really are and how far we have really grown can only be seen in how we relate to others.

Tom Rath points out in his book Vital Friends (New York: Gallup Press, 2006):

"The majority of courses, professional development programs, and books highlight how to improve yourself. You take courses in grade school to improve your own ability to read, write, add, and subtract. Then as you progress through the educational system you have the opportunity to spend more time educating yourself in areas you choose. When you enter the workforce, you might get the chance to add to your base of knowledge by participating in training and development programs designed to make you a better individual employee."(p. 17)

In contrast to this highly individualistic approach to life, Rath points out that:

"Friendships add significant value to our marriages, families, work, and lives. At some level, everything we see and feel is the product of a personal relationship. Look around you and see if you can identify anything created in true isolation. After pondering this for a few moments, you might notice how dependent we are on connections with other people. Remove relationships from the equation, and everything disappears." (p.16)

If friendships are so important to life it is ironic that: "During our teenage years, we spend nearly one-third of our time with friends. For the rest of our lives, the average time we spend with friends is less than 10%." (Rath, p.22)

The duties of adulthood mean we no longer have the same discretionary time that we enjoyed in our adolescence. Nevertheless if friendship and personal relationships are so vital to our well being and our humanity, we would be wise to invest time to intentionally cultivate and nurture friendship in our families, churches and offices and in our other social networks. Truly it is not good for human-kind to be alone (Genesis 2:18).

In a world that is changing rapidly, consumed by a Darwinian globalisation that makes us competitors, a world increasingly defined by technologies that isolate us more and more, perhaps the most counter-cultural decision we can make is to put a high premium on friendship.
It might just save our lives.


Your brother,
Soo-Inn Tan
Email: sooinn@graceatwork.org